The Bridge

I thot I wud fall..

I thot I wud die..

I felt I cud not feel..

I saw I could not see..

That was the end..

I was standing on the edge..

I had nowhere to go..

I could see the other side..

I didnt kno how to reach..

It was foggy dream..

Everything dark..

Everything gloomy..

Then You came..

Dunno from where..

Dunno how..

I found the bridge..

I found my way through..

I felt it again..

I could see all..

This was different..

This was forever..

With you I am me..

With you I am as I could never be..

Its not madness..

Its not ecstasy..

Its peace..

Its serenity..

Its all what I ever wanted it to be..

ME..!!

Dont ask me how..dont ask me why...

there are these days..

these moments when i want to go quite..

No, I am not thinking about anythng..

m not introspecting anything..

these are just moments when I am blank..

No thought comes into my mind..

I like to stare into space at times..

At times I like to just see the fan rotating..

I stare into the blank wall..

Stop questioning me..

coz m actually not thinking about anything..

nor my past nor my future..

The expression on my face has got nothing to do whats inside my heart or my mind..

i might look worried..

But m not..

M just plain expressive..

I express alot..

I express too little..

but that does not mean I am expressing whats inside me..

It can be just anything..

dont relate..

I suffer from mood swings..

I dont blame you..

its me..

Let me be myself..

I get hurt but i recover too..

i move on..

Move on for better..

at times m difficult..

Sometimes difficult for myself too..

A day I might be super active..

Full of energy and thoughts..

But at certain days I like to go numb..

Its just me..

I have different facets..

If you cant take one..leave it..

I never ask anyone to stay..

At times I need people around me..

At times I dont..

At times I dont get what I want..

At times I get exactly what I was looking for..

There are certain instances where u would not understand me..

So what! I never asked u to!

To some m rude..

To others m kind..

To some m intelligent..

To some m dumb..

Its all me!

At times I write crap..

just like this post..

These thoughts do not relate..

Dont try to relate them either..

In the end, its all about me..

But I am because of you..

And again I say, dont relate..

There is nothing to understand in this..

You

I close the doors..they say somewhere God opens a window..I close that too..

The four walls..they comfort me..I find solace..I find peace..I discover myself..severity of emotions..endless thoughts..neverending echoes..I cry out loud, no one hears..I shudder with cold, I dont feel..I feel pale..I hear the wind..careful whispers..I cant relate..I smile..a tear in my eye...

I hear myself..hushed sobs..it scares me..I feel drowned..darkness fills up my throat, I cant breathe..I am alone, all alone..no one can see me, no one can hear me..I dont speak, i am not visible..

Let the darkness descend..I close my eyes..I dont see..I find peace..I find You......

Through a window..

A beam of light streaming through my window. As a kid I used to get fascinated by the sight. Particles dancing in the ray of light. I would make whirlpools, i would make them dance, I would play with them, i would make stories, I played with myself..

I would enter their world, wanted to become a part of them, I would dance with them, wanted to fly with them.

I tried to catch the particles..I was fascinated to see them escape every time I tried to get hold of them. The naughty little particles wouldnt come in my hand! I tried very hard, wanted to catch them in my hands..I would trap them in a jar, collect them in a box..but everyday I got dissappointement..they would just disappear..!!

I was strucked with illusion..I did not realize that they did not exist..I was trying to capture somthing which did not even exist.........

Unlikely Alike..!!

She was big and I was small..

I was short and she was tall..

We met when we were only thirteen..

And since then without her a day has never been..

She was large and I was the size 'S'..

She is the gem that I truly possess..

She was strong, like a rough bratt..

I was tiny, like a meeky shy cat..

She was a tomboy, ever ready to protest..

And she would tease me as I pretended to be a delicate princess..

I made a giggle and she would laugh out loud..

I would hesitate and she dared to do things not allowed..

She made friends and would be the leader of the gang..

And I would happily follow the friendship song she sang..

It doesnt stop here, the story still continues..

Now I'll tell you what happens when it came to moody blues..

Like a baby she would cry with eyes all red..

And I would be the one consoling her but not a single tear shed..

When it came to guys, she was shy like a new bride..

Then I would be her mentor, her very own 'guy guide'..!

Then one day the tomboy found her own place..

To the snowland she flew with all her new grace..

I miss the laugh we had together, I miss all those fun..

But a new phase of life has to start and for you it has already begun..

You will always be in my heart, a 'forever friend' in you I see..

You are my best friend, truly special to me..

Humsafar

Badal ko chhone ki chahat na thhi..bas maanga thha ek tukda aasman..
Samundar ko peene ki chaah na thhi..bas chaaha thha ek ghoont tera pyaar..
Dharti ko paane ka arman na thha..bas paana thha tere dil mein ek kona..
Tere sansaar mein aane ki tamanna to thhi..par na baandhi thi koi ummeed..
Na maanga thha zindagi bhar ka saath..bas chaah thhi kuch antim palon ke saath ki..

Chhodh gaya mujhe mera hi apna..kho gaya kahin mera chhota sa sapna..
Jiske liye jeeta raha main aajtak..na lagne di jise dukh ki koi bhanak..
De na saka wo mujhe chaar palon ka saath..udna jo tha usse mere hi dikhaye badlon ke paas..

Ab na chaah hai kisi ko paane ki..na hai kisi ke khone ka darr..
Zindagi ki bachi-khuchi iss raah pe main chal chala banke apna hi humsafar..

Wished it were you..

I heard a knock at the door..I wished it were you..

I heard a voice over the phone..I wished it were yours..

I saw a face in the mist..wished it was you..

I heard myself singing for someone..wished it was for you..

I saw myself waiting for someone..wished it was you..

I felt my heart light again..wished it were because of you..

I saw my dear ones happy for me..I wished the reason were you..

I saw my house decorated with flowers..I wished it were to welcome you..

I heard the holy vows rhyme..I wished it was with you..

Today when I start a new beginning..I wished it was with you..

I step into a life unknown..I wished with me were you..

My world is filled with joy again..I wished in it were you.....

U kno wat..I love you alot..!!

The way u look at me in my eyes,

Sends a shiver down my spine.

The way u touch me with ur smile,

Hand in hand i can walk with u a hundred mile.

When u say that u love me,

I become more like u and less like me.

When ur lips touches mine,

I feel like I have been dipped in wine!

The warmth of ur presence, the cuteness of ur grin,

Puts all my desires in a spin.

And when u r by my side,

My ecstasy i cannot hide.

When u cuddle me in ur arms,

And give me all ur presence warmth,

I feel as if ur arms r my only world,

No other place i would ever be safe.

I love to see ur sleepy eyes,

Love to touch ur small nose,

In ur face i see a true love,

Who would take me over the skies above.

Dont ever leave me or i'll simply die,

By a sea side some day together we would lie.

We will see ourselves grow old together,

Thinking about this my heart feels like a feather.

And u kno wat..i love u alot..!!

Moorakh!!

Dhund mein ojhal hota ek sapna..
Samay ki unmukt leheron mein khota koi apna..
Adhoore arman saanso ki dor se bandhe hue..
Fir bhi har saans mein ummeed ki khushi sanjoy nayi khushboo bharte hue..
Chirag ke tale ujale mein nazar aati ek murat..
Nahi jaanta uska pata aur na hi dikhti uski koi surat..
Nikal pada os se bichhi inn pathrili rahon par..
Na samajh aata os aur aansuon ke beech koi antar..
Ab lagta har jhooth sachcha aur har sach jhootha..
Palkon pe ek bhram ka manmaana moti jaise ho phoota..
Asmanjas ki raah pe chalta chala wo besudh..
Na jaanta moorakh isme hai na koi sukh..
Apne astitva se bekhabar chal pada wo khud ki talaash mein..
Na jaane kaunsi raah mila de usse uski manzil..issi aas mein..
Ek tooti ummeed aur beete palon ka sahara..
Pralay se anjaan bhavishya ke khoye sapno ko dekhta raha wo bechara..
Ab na jaane kaunsi raah pahunchayegi usse uski manzil..
Ya maut ke dhuen mein ho jaayengi uski aakhein kokil….

I never really owned you..

Now when I have finally moved on..
I think about the days past gone..
I think about the days when I had given in all to you..
And i realize a fact about me and you..
Its that..I never really owned you..

You gave me all the love you could..
And cared for me like a lover should..
But somewhere in my heart I always knew..
The fact about me and you..
That I never really owned you..

The day when you actually said you wouldnt come back..
The tears in my eyes I couldnt hold back..
But I thought it to be another facet of an angry you..
And thought that things would again settle down like the morning dew..
But now I realize that I never really owned you..

Those who want to stay in your life will always stay..
Be it the chill of December or heat wave of May..
You are good or bad, they will always be near you..
Others will always find a reason to leave you..
Thats why I think I never really owned you..

God gave me so many signs to realize the truth..
But I was on the ride of my adventurous youth..
I never wanted to accept this fact about me and you..
I still cant reason so many things related to you..
And I wonder why I couldnt realize that I never really owned you..

Fir se..

Fir se jeene ki chah mein udd chala ye mann..
Fir se tamannao ki raah pe chalne ko machal utha ye mann..
Na jaane kabse adhoori aas liye baitha tha ye mann..
Unn aashaon ko samet ke ab aage badh chala ye mann..

Palakon pe ab tak aasuon ke bojh se bhari tha ye mann..
Ab aankhon mein nayi tarang se khush hoke naach utha ye mann..
Nayi raah pe umang se daudne ko chahta hai ab ye mann..

Hawaon mein ab ek nayi si leher nazar aati hai..
Dhoop mein bhi ek bhini si taazgi dil ko chho jaati hai..

Na darr lagta pathrili raah pe chalne se mujhe..
Na darr lagta akeli raaton me mujhe..

Ek naya sa insaan jaaga hai aaj mujhme..
Ek nayi si roshni nazar aayi hai tujhme...









.......
My first attempt to write something in hindi.. :P

Solitude

Awakened by the silence,
I find myself surrounded by loneliness,
I stare into nowhere,
Blinded by no thoughts,
Darkness soothes me,
Silence hums to me,
All I feel is numbness,
All I hear is quietness,
All I can see is nothing,
Just a burden on my soul,
Burden of hurting you,
I seek no forgiveness,
I desire no love,
I need no care,
I want no want,
I slip into solitude,
Solitude of eternal peace..

Forlorn Hope..

Still strangled by the memories, I watch u leave..
U look so calm, so much at peace..
There is a turmoil in my heart..
How can you be so quite, when your love is at cease..

You taught me how to love..
but not how to stop..
I feel all drenched..
In these painful raindrops..

You broke my heart..
Tore it into pieces..
But what amazes me is that..
I still love you with all the little pieces..

I can’t let you go..
I don’t understand a thing..
I thought you needed my love..
You were my everything..

You didn’t say a word..
But slowly you walked away..
I wish I could reason..
Why you didn’t want to stay..

I wish I could ask you..
I wish u could explain..
Why in my heart..
There is hope that still remains..

The Dollhouse

Twenty years back, when I was only six
I had a little dollhouse with colors green n yellow mix
It had a little door and two windows which opened wide
And a cute little bed which was neatly kept inside
The walls of the house were painted green by my father
Though the color pink I had preferred rather
It had a little terrace with a staircase going through it as well
A perfect place where my Barbie doll would merrily dwell
Like a sunflower my house was bright and sunny
And from inside it was painted soft orange, cute and cozy
It had a little kitchen with real pan and stove
And in the dinner was only served warmth and love
The sheets were made of red passion and the curtains were the green care
A perfect house in dreams which u will find nowhere
My Barbie and my ken were truly madly in love
And they lived in that dollhouse which only u find in heaven above
Each day my story would end in an "happily ever after"
It was my world and I was the sculptor

Twenty years back when I was only six
I believed in my dollhouse and its yellow golden bricks
I believed in kitchen of love, I believed in what I had crafted
I believed in each and every wall which my father had painted
Twenty years hence now when I am grown up
Life is not always like what you set up
The sunny yellow hurts my eyes, the red sheet is all blood
And the curtain is turned green by the algae flood
The walls of the house now haunts me
The same walls to which I was attached so deeply

The Day I Died

He searched for me in his lost memories
He tried to remember my sweet fragrance
He looked at the things I had touched
He craved for me in his loneliness
He wandered here and there in search of my voice
He hoped for just a small glance of mine
He wished for a glimpse of my smile
He desired the last touch of my skin
He longed for my warmth

I could see him suffering
I could see him in pain
I could see his tears
I could hear his sobs
I could hear his cries

That was the day he realized
That was the day when I died

I know I dont know..

I know I have never been the best..
But we did find each other in our own love quest..
I know I am not at all understanding..
But still we found each other ever so loving..

I know I behave childish at times..
But when we were together, our sorrows would just sublime..
I know at times I irritate you a lot..
But together we did dream of tying that heavenly knot..

I know I have repeated my mistakes time and again..
But still each other's arm, we could not refrain..
I know what hurts you the most are my words..
But when together we were the bestest of the best lovebirds..

I know there have been times when I have over reacted..
But in each other's company we never knew where the time drifted..
I know every time I have broken my promise..
But still no chance of loving we would miss..

I know many a times I have been very annoying..
But still we loved to lie with each other in the lights slowly dimming..
I know I blamed you for things so unreasonable..
But together we made a very cute couple..

I know I have disappointed you at several places..
But you would still accept me with all my fusses..
I know I say sorry after the same repeated mistakes..
But you would still hold me after my one of those quakes..

I know I always say that u never love me..
But with you I can be myself, ever so clumsy..
I know I always blame you for things you never did..
But its only u I can lean back in confusion amid..

I know I always want my own way..
But we promised for staying together till our hair turned grey..
I know that I say I know everything..
But without each other around there is something in life missing..

Always..!!

The way u make me feel special when I am near

With you by my side, I know  everything will be alright

When you are with me I have no fear

I know my future with you is all bright

When you a wipe the sorrows off my face

My heart skips a pound

Ur cuddle seems to be the perfect place

Every time we are together, my joy knows no bound

No matter how bad things are

You always make them better

You know what to me you are

Only you can make me brighter

I love the way you touch me

Love the way u hold me tight

I love the way u kiss me

I could be with u all night

I just want you to know

That  though we sometimes fight

I will always love you

No matter what day or night

An 'Angel'

With the flower fairies near the blueberry bush she sang
Her songs of love to which a Lilly sprang
Dressed in white like a fairy she flowed
Above her head a pale halo glowed

When the sun was out, bright and shining
She would adorn a beautiful smile every morning
Enwrapped each day in a new fragrance
Love and care were her true essence

On her toes like a ballerina she would dance
Little squirrels would come out just to have a glance
Loving, caring and an all-forgiving, she was an angel
But nobody knew what hid behind that pretty damsel

Sparkling eyes, innocence on her face
In the name of a women, she was a disgrace
Nobody realized her darker side
That she was an evil devil in disguise

As the dawn would slowly set in
Her fangs would come out and so would the craving
And when the night would finally come
Her wicked acts would slowly hum

What most she loved was tearing little hearts apart
When one would finish, she would tear another from the start
Night after night she would create a new zombie
She was a beast trapped inside a beauty

Blood spilling out and ripped hearts scattered on the ground
Changed the color to red of her own white gown
She would play in the ocean of blood all night long
And slowly sing that sweet paralyzing song

When the first golden ray of dawn would break
With a tear in an eye again she would wake
How did this all happen was what she wondered
With pain she whimpered as if herself tortured

She pretended that her own wounds had turned her gown red
“This is my own blood!” she would shout with each tear shed
With her hues and cries she gathered all the squirrels’ sympathy
Unaware of the truth they despised the deed so ghastly

In the corner she would weep, for the love gone, for the heart lost
But once again prepared to rip another heart at any cost
Washing her blood stained gown in the river
She stood up with promises of new songs and an eye with a glitter

The birds believed her, the rabbits loved her
To them, the pain of their fairy had made her much fairer
Little did they know the evil deeds of their fairy
Except the little hearts who had died down in agony

So this was the story of a women so fake
Who would do absolutely anything for her own sake
A ruthless beauty as u can see
She was called “la belle dame sans merci”

Always a mistake..

Every thing I do is for you..
Every step I take is in a hope to get closer to you..
Every second of my thoughts is filled with you..

Every tear from my eye falls down in your memory..
Every thing I touch seems to die down in agony..
Every ray of hope seems to black out by the sky so cloudy..

Every word I say is always a mistake..
Every time i try harder is for ur sake..
Every feeling of mine is but considered a fake..
Every sentence of mine I wish a change in it I could make..

But..
Every thing I do takes me away from you..
Every act of mine hurts you..
I dunno where to go..
I dunno what to do..

Somethings never change..

Somethings never change..

Like the hug of ur mother when u go back home..
Or like the scolding of ur father when u dont wake up early in the morning..
Like the stories of ur sister when u two meet afer a long time at home..
Or like the same particular smell your house has year after year..

Like how ur quilt always seem to be shrinking short to reveal ur toes in a winter morning..
Or like how ur mouth still waters at that familiar chicken curry ur mom makes at home..
Like how your mummy's sabzi n daal still have the same taste even afer 26 years..
Or like how that old anchar (pickle) u once loved always finds its way to ur neighbor aunty’s house..!!

Like the red brick wall of your school which still seems to be of the same shade red..
Or like the still under construction temple of your college which started when you joined college some 7 years back..!!
Like that carpentry work shop in your college which reminds you of your engineering days..
Or like the PMC (Piya Milan Chauraha) which still seems to be occupied with a whole new set of ‘piyas’ n their loves..!!

Like that "kamini"s "kutti"s u hear when u meet ur bestest frnds..
Or like how you would discuss with your friends that wish u could go back to the old times..
Like how u would sometimes wish that you could see 2 year future of your life to know exactly where you would be..
Or like how everyone around you seems to be getting promoted except you..!!

Like the nostaligia u feel when u read ur old slam book..
Or like that smell of the yellow paper of the novel u once read..
Like how ur tongue turns purple when u eat jamun..
Or like how automatically ur hand goes to touch the pimple everyone says not to touch..!!

Like how u still fall asleep when u are going thru a study book..
Or like how u can wake up the entire night to talk to the one u love..
Like how every other face seems to be resembling your love..
Or like how impossible it is to not to include him in everything u write..!!

Like how definitely it would rain when you wear an ultra see through dress..!!
Or like how definitely your boss would come early only at the same day when you 'by chance' late for office..
Like how impossible it is to stop a pimple coming out on the very particular party night..
Or like when u meet an old class mate and after exchanging 'Hi's 'Hello's 'how are?'s you would go..shit man! What was her/his name..?!!

These small things of life..
brings a smile on my face when i think about it..
These feelings would remain the same year after year..

coz..

Somethings in life never change..

Everything else does!!